Leave Me Alone!

Thoughts intrude
Throw plate in sink
Let it shatter loudly
I see myself doing it
The image, the impulse is there
There – in my mind
No! I respond
Turn left NOW in front of oncoming traffic
No! No! No! Don’t do it
Wait for the green arrow
Yell at, argue with, my son, my husband
Pick a fight with them
No! Do not do it

Must fight the thoughts
Must fight the impulses
They make no sense
I’m irritable
In a mixed state
Somewhat hypomanic
Not suicidal
There is no intent behind them
Just intrusive thoughts
Unwelcome images and impulses
Without reason
Without cause

Except this pain
These insistent hormones
Nasty cramps
Super irritable
It’s been months
I think
Since last I bled
I’m 51, 52 this August
Give it up already
Stop menstruating
It’s not going to happen
No more babies
From this empty fibrous womb

So, stop it
Leave me alone
Leave my body alone
Stop with the pain
Stop behaving
Like a fertile woman
Let me become
The crone, the hag
I’ve earned it

Leave me be
Let me rest


25 responses to “Thoughts Intrude”

  1. Reblogged this on Kitt O'Malley and commented:

    Originally posted May 3, 2015. Now a year older. Not hypomanic or irritable. Just exhausted, for good reason (too much responsibility on my shoulders weighing me down).

    Did a good bit of free-writing at OC Writers write-in yesterday. Plant to salvage some of it, to edit and post here, to edit and submit elsewhere. Primary content of my freewriting was intense.

  2. No, just having trouble falling asleep. Chew clonazepam when I can’t fall sleep quickly.

  3. I hear you about the big M. I’m dealing with interrupted sleep. I hope that isn’t happening to you. That would really mess things up. Take care of yourself. It will be over soon enough(so im told).

  4. I went 11 1/2 months and then bingo, there we went again. That was the last one though.

  5. I was hoping for no more next time, but the old womb just hasn’t given it up yet.

  6. Sorry to hear that Kitt. Hope you do better next time.

  7. Hoping for some respite, actually. I felt better until recent menses – then all hell broke loose.

  8. Not looking forward to that…

  9. I have heard menopause makes it worse and for me that was definitely true. Much worse now! Went into menopause 6 years ago.

  10. Awesome, Kitt. Just awesome.

  11. Thank you, Ellen. Such a compliment from you is a HUGE compliment.

  12. Thank you, Mihran.

  13. LOL. I cannot wait until this ends! I had one, count him, one child, so this is entirely unnecessary.

  14. Love the poem!! Love it!! Hope you’re intrusive thoughts stop with menopause. I still have them. But I am following a new religious practice and a MAJOR medication change so some sort of cleansing going on. I hate intrusive thoughts. Seems they are all negative. FEEL BETTER and write more poetry.

  15. Kitt – hope all us well with you – you have nominated such powerful word and meaning ….this is the best of the best!

  16. Hysterectomy–the best word in medcine.

  17. Lol do you do windows?

  18. So I could move in maybe!!!!!!!

  19. Nobody can possibly understand what those of us with mental illness go through. Most days I think my hubby gets it, but then there are days like today when he doesn’t. He’s sooo in the doghouse right now, he should think about expanding it LOL.

  20. Indeed. Red star worthy, for sure.

  21. Thank you, Emma.

  22. I meant PMS. Fecking autocorrect.

  23. Your featured image is beautifully subtle, I likes it. I’m trying Jedi mind tricks to hasten the onset of menopause. Peri menopause. Whatever pauses the pestilent menses. PM and a mixed state? It’s a wonder you haven’t killed anyone. pins the red star of bravery and fortitude on you

  24. Hope you feel better.

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