Today’s prompt was to think of three songs then free write about them. I came up with two. Two perfect songs. Both beautiful. Both worthy of life. Both true. Duke Ellington I love. I’ve been a fan of his for decades. Perhaps since I was a young girl as my father loved straight-ahead jazz and I inherited his passion for American Jazz. When I took private singing lessons I studied the Ellington songbook. My fantasy was to be singing jazz standards in a slinky dress while on top of a grand piano. Rosemary Clooney’s sexy voice and Ellington’s band is perfect.
What better flip side to Mood Indigo than Pharrell’s Happy? I feel both. I embrace both. I am a passionate woman. Here I free write within my WordPress Dashboard not sure whether or not I will share this. Most likely I will. I tend to rewrite to edit. Wonder if I will, or if I will simply let this go off into cyberspace.
Matters not to me, quite honestly. What does matter is that I explain that I embrace the sad as well as the happy. I must take care of myself… blah, blah, blah… That’s for my readers. Not for this exercise.
This exercise is about free writing. About unedited, uncensored writing. Oh – that’s right. Just recalled there is a third song – The Wall by Pink Floyd. Yes, I was always a total geek and loved school, yet maintained what I consider to be intellectual defiance or at least the ability to question authority while still following the law, the rules. My mind, I believe at least, is free. Yes, I’ve been traditionally educated in public schools. I’m thankful for my education. But, I remain in a way (perhaps) an iconoclast. I revel in my difference.
Give me a stage and I perform. I love it. I will speak up when no one else will. I do not fear consequences for I believe that living by taking risks is more rewarding than living in fear without taking risks. So, yes I disclose things that may expose me to … cannot even think of the word. Let’s just say to negative consequences. The instance that I am thinking about right now involves me telling my son’s guidance counselor and English teacher that I have bipolar disorder and have slapped my son and that his assignment to speak in front of his class about a vignette from The House on Mango Street about child abuse with the requirement to connect the assignment to something in his life might hit too close to home. I do not fear Children’s Protective Services. I am a VERY involved and motivated mother. I am honest and open. I do not hide my errors. I do not lie. I work hard to be the best mother I can be. I have LOTS of documentation backing me up. I’ve been in therapy. My son has received help. We’ve gotten help as a family. I have professionals who have worked with us for over a decade (not the same professionals, we have and do move, but we are back where we started, so the first professionals we saw as a family are still nearby). Anyway, those mental health professionals would not doubt vouch for our parenting, for my parenting. So, I fear not.
Back to the songs… Mood Indigo, Happy, The Wall. I fear not sadness nor happiness. I feel both intensely. I need not conform. I need no thought control. I think I’m done for now and will publish this without editing it (though WordPress will make suggestions in terms of spelling and grammar). We shall see. Maybe minor edits. But minimum ones. Like spelling only…