Aftermath of Suicide

When in the throes of suicidal ideation, you don’t and often can’t understand suicide’s negative effects on those left behind. When I was eighteen, I thought my loved ones would be better off without me. My suicidal ideation was so intrenched that it was ego-syntonic — it was in agreement with my sense of self, my way of perceiving myself in relation to the world. Not until I was a thirty-year-old psychotherapist did I realize how devastating and harmful the act of suicide, specifically my own suicide, would be on others. I knew that at the very least I would have harmed my clients. How could I help depressed, abused or abandoned adolescent clients by succumbing to depression and taking my own life? I understood that taking my life would devastate my clients and from that I could reason that my death would also devastate those who knew and loved me. By then my rational self knew that I was loved and that my actions affected those I loved. My suicidal ideation had finally become ego-dystonic, in conflict with my sense of self, with a more rational thought process, and with my better understanding of human feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Helping others enabled me to take a step back and see myself as I saw my clients, to have more compassion for myself.


  1. […] a pre-med biochemistry major at UCLA, I was miserable and suicidal. Then I studied part-time at a community college, biding time to find my direction. Finding a niche […]

  2. […] Going from majoring in biochemistry as a pre-med student at UCLA, where I was miserable and suicidal, to studying part-time at a community college as I bided my time and tried to find my direction, […]

  3. […] doubt it is absurd to think that donning a red nose may lift someone out of bipolar depression, but perhaps it will bring a smile to someone’s face. Maybe someone will hear that they are not […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.