Saturday, March 5, 2016
Here I am at my parents’ house writing. Not necessarily for my blog, though I did save this to my blog writing folder on my hard drive. No, I’m free-writing for myself. Journaling. In the traditional sense. To ease my anxiety. To use some of the energy that my cup of coffee has juiced me with. I care not how I write. I try not to edit as I write. Instead, I write to let the tension flow out of my body, through my fingers and onto the page.
Yes, I’m writing in Word, not WordPress where I do most of my writing. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still write for an audience, not just for myself. Then again, I even daydream for an audience, as if I am performing, public speaking, addressing someone else. That’s how I think. I am a performer at heart, ready to please, though I often do not – no, not often, sometimes. I sometimes do not please, even when I try, for I have little in the way of filter. The words come tumbling out and sometimes I walk on toes not meaning to.
Anyway back to myself. Or perhaps not back to myself. What sort of writing would best help me now? A friend of mine, a former boyfriend, a poet, once suggested that instead of doing so much journaling in first person (which, yes, I’ve done over the decades intermittently), that I write in third person. Write as if I’m writing about a character. Distance myself from the content. Make it into a story.
Interesting idea. Not sure if I will do so now. But perhaps I will in the future.
What stresses me out at this very moment is not just what I have on my plate with regard to my parents, their property and their finances, but the reactions of those close to me to the risks involved. My husband Nick worries about lawsuits and cost overages. My sister asks shrewd questions. They have our interests at heart, but to the extent they are stressed and worried, I must not just address the valid arguments they make, but handle and assuage their anxiety.
Thank you for this Kitt….
Thank you, Dy. So stuffed up that you didn’t smell Lucy’s piles of feces! Oh, man, that is BAD. Hope you feel better soon. As you know, illness can hit those of us with mental illness particularly hard, for it taxes our bodies and can trigger or worsen symptoms. Take care of yourself. Get well soon. Let Craig pamper you.
I’m sitting here like a deflated balloon. I’m on antibiotics for a sinus infection.
To give you an idea about how badly clogged my sinuses are, I’ll sum it up in a few sentences. Lucy made our bedroom into an “Ode to #2” last night – there were Bandini Mountains everywhere. The intense, eye-watering eau de poo poo would usually wake me up, but it didn’t.
I mention this self-absorbed TMI because I read your previous comments, and there are some gems! 🙂 I want to give my beloved Kitt some wise & helpful words, and encouragement of course.
As far as wisdom-giving goes, I’m not doing too great in that area, but you know I adore you to no end! I believe that whatever you feel drawn to do will help you, be it coloring those gorgeous mandalas, taking magnificent photos or journaling in the1st or 3rd person.
You are handling tremendously stressful events and the reactions of those you care about; one or the other is difficult enough. It sounds like the trained therapist in you is coming out in terms of dealing with and mitigating their anxieties. In light of those stressors, please continue to do whatever it takes to lift your spirits every day. You’ll continue to be in my thoughts and heart!
Wise words, Merrie. Thank you.
Actually, I didn’t explain myself in this bit of journaling. The reactions I was concerned about were related to what I’m doing in relation to taking care of my parents and their finances.
Yes. But, I don’t. I just put myself out there. Just the way I’m made.
First of all, I don’t think it is your responsibility to assuage anyone’s anxiety. This is an unreasonable burden for you. Each person must manage his/her own.
I champion the therapeutic nature of journal writing, having done so myself for decades. Ultimately each of us is our own best counselor.
Writing in third person might be a worthwhile experiment, as is the practice of stepping outside of your thoughts and looking them from a peaceful vantage point, as an observer. The Self looking upon the Ego.
I actually wrote some notes to “My Sad Afternoon Self” from my stronger “Morning Self.” The insights were interesting…
Perhaps as well as taking a break from blogging, it is time to take a break from the persona of the Performer, the Pleaser. This too is a spirit-rending responsibility.
Take time to nourish and replenish your own precious Self. Write freely and authentically. Find out what Little Kitt needs and has been up to while the adult has been meeting some very serious demands.
I wish you refreshment and renewed strength. Everything you need is within you.
Breathe in deeply and let it all out. I love free-flow writing – write on Kitt, write on… <3
What kind of reactions are you taking about….what you write? If you write in the third person, as if making up a story, you should be fine…don’t you think?
Ton of stuff going on in your life right now Kitt, so do what is best for you! Take care!