Yes, I’ve Been Violent

My Mental Illness and Violence

Hi, I’m Kitt.

I’m bipolar, and I’ve been violent.

Mildly so, for the most part.

Flipped over a table once.

Been known to slap in response to being called a f*cking b*tch. Don’t do that anymore, but fair warning: don’t call me a f*cking b*tch. My slap is powerful, as I played tennis in my younger years.

Never killed anyone, but when in my mid-20s, I fantasized doing so when dealing with childhood issues in therapy (alcoholism & emotional abuse).

Pretty disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses post-partum, too. But I didn’t act on those either.

Mostly I try to help people. I try to behave. I apologize when I screw up. I try to do better.


30 responses to “Yes, I’ve Been Violent”

  1. Thank you! I try. Can’t help but feel like I could have done better. We all make mistakes.

  2. Thank you. I owned my behavior. I wanted him not to keep secrets from outsiders, especially adult providers and teachers. Our family practitioner made it clear what was not acceptable behavior in his home. Sometimes a mom at her wit’s end needs support from others.

  3. Just want you to know how much I appreciate your honesty. And you showed immense bravery and integrity by taking your son to the doctor and talking about what happened.

  4. Thank you, Cat!

  5. Love the honesty!!

  6. Short sweet and to the point, I feel your emotion through this post and I relate so hard. Thank you for sharing xox

  7. Thanks for the tip.

  8. It really works as the coolness of the water helps you to calm down xx

  9. Walking away is my go to way of avoiding blowing up. Haven’t tried the water trick. I’ll have to try that.

  10. When you become angry sometimes we can’t control it.. but what I have learned if you splash water on ur face or walk to another room anger does calm away…. but it only works if it’s a minor situation …..

  11. At least it was water! Better than flipping over the kitchen table (though no one was sitting at it).

  12. I can relate to this.. my violent streak was throwing water at everyone lolz ?

  13. Glad you’ve found what works for you. I avoid alcohol. Would want a psychiatrist who could manage CBD dose along with medications, make sure no negative interactions. On occasion, I used marijuana from 17-30 years old. It did offer relief from racing thoughts.

  14. Hi Kitt! I have had rage many times. The only answer I have, is quit smoking, eat organic, no booze, and cbd. Ask about cbd if u like. I’m an aficionado

  15. Damn cookie sheet. It had it coming. Sometimes we need something to take our rage out on. Maybe a punching bag or pillow.

  16. I know how shameful it feels to lose control and hit your child. I wanted my son to feel open to talk to his health care providers, so I took him to the doctor when I slapped him and had him describe what had happened.
    First the doctor checked his ear, for my son moved his head and I got his ear rather than his cheek. Then our doctor said he would’ve gotten much worse in his household for calling me a fcking btch.
    My points I made then were:
    1) I made a mistake. I slapped him out of anger.
    2) I apologized and took responsibility by taking him to the doctor.
    3) We were honest and open about what happened.
    4) The doctor didn’t report me for child abuse.

  17. Sounds like a nightmare. Good thing you are aware of it and the effects of the stimulants. I like to isolate until the rage passes.

  18. Oh and one time I beat up a cookie sheet by hittimg the counter with it, over and over. I’d say it was my ex-husband who was scared that time!

  19. When Tom was little I hit his arm. When it happened (when I did it!) I was shocked and scared – knew then I was not just overwhelmed, I was dangerous! I thank God there were plenty of people willing to help with child care. I never would have made it without them! I never told anyone 🙁

  20. I have too, it’s quite scary. I’m treatment resistent Bipolar 1 and take several uppers to keep me level. If my Dexedrine starts making me rage or become very agressive, like wanting to run people off the road, I have to cut back by one and slowly work back up after the rage is gone.

  21. Exactly. Own it. Apologize. Do better. Why it’s so important to get proper treatment. I raged even properly medicated. But improved over time.

  22. We all screw up Kitt, we have to come out the other side with more knowledge. I have to accept it could happen with me but I have to take accountability and move forward. Thanks for sharing.

  23. Thank you. May the Force be with you, too.

  24. When I switched from Zoloft to Wellbutrin when my son was two, I wanted to bite his head off. Went back on Zoloft, and later Lexapro + Depakote (with trials of many other medication cocktails). Difficult age to parent, for anyone.

  25. Well done. Wonder if aging helps. Maybe menopause helps, too. Good bye hormonal mood swings.

  26. You are inspirational because you are honest about yourself. May the Force be with you, always.

  27. I’ve very recently been struggling with being too rough (any roughness is too rough!) with my two-year-old daughter, due to a great number of stressors and my own impulse control, which I need more practice at. Long story short, I’ve found a work around which involves me getting more time to myself, dropping my expectations for naps, and deep breathing exercises. So far, it’s working. I’ve never seriously hurt her, but I’ve done a lot of fantasizing about it, which scares the crap out of me. So I feel you. I totally feel you. And I hope that this confession here wasn’t too much information!

  28. I hear you, Kitt. I’ve been violent too. I punched a refrigerator once, kicked a hole in an apartment wall, and threatened people with garden tools. I’ve also been known to break stuff and slam a plate of food against a wall. Thank God I’ve never hurt anyone, and that I have medication which takes away any violent urges. I don’t even flip people off in the car anymore, that’s how much of a pacifist I’ve become.

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