My psychiatrist has asked me numerous times how my sister has handled my parents differently than I have? How has she protected herself? How has she kept herself from being so enmeshed in the family dynamic?
The answer is that my sister says no. She keeps my parents at arm’s length. She didn’t answer the phone whenever my mother called, letting it go to voicemail instead. She didn’t let my mother pry and control her. And, she never identified with them.
I, on the other hand, was a member of the first-born club. My mother, father, and I were all first-born. I was repeatedly told that I was like them in that I, too, was first-born. I, like them, was a type-A personality, an overachiever, a workaholic.
I shouldered higher expectations. I was to be a doctor or a lawyer. My goal was to be a neurosurgeon. In high school, I almost got straight A’s, ranking 3rd in a class of 450. I assumed that I would go to an Ivy League school, and was devastated when I didn’t get accepted.
My parents graduated at the top of their high school classes and were high achievers in college. My mother was captain of her college debate team. My father got two bachelor’s degrees in five years – one in chemical engineering and one in humanities. Years later, living off savings while supporting a wife and two daughters, he attended Harvard Business School.
I expected to out-achieve them. I didn’t. I failed. I fell apart. I couldn’t withstand the strain, the expectations, the speed of being a UCLA honors biochemistry major.
I wanted a well-rounded education and to have fun, so I dropped out of the second quarter of honors chemistry. Physics and biology, too, I only took one semester each. Honors calculus, though, I loved and took for the entire year. Math was always my favorite subject and I regret not continuing my math studies.
Bottom line: I must say NO. I must STOP identifying with my parents. I must learn to hold my parents at arm’s length. I must learn to be a “good enough” daughter, and not try to live up to any real or perceived expectations.
[…] https://kittomalley.com/2016/07/06/arms-length/ Kitt O’Malley is a mental health advocate, wife, mother, sister and daughter who neglects housework as she blogs, connects using social media, and lives with bipolar disorder. This is a great resource blog for those who live with or are living with bipolar disorder. […]
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Sorry to abuse this space but I don’t know why do I suffer from insomnia. I take pills, I sleep. No pills, no sleep. Kills me.
Can you help me crack this puzzle? Thank you.
No. I am not a doctor. You must see your medical doctor, your psychiatrist, about this. Doctors, specifically psychiatrists, are not evil.
I’m the 7th child so I can’t relate much. But I was expected to achieve high enough marks in grade 12 to get admission in nearby university.
For the whole year I prayed to get admission in that university but I wasn’t. I had to join the two older brothers in 500 km away King Saud University.
Turned out God had been working hard. There were new trains, shortening the travel time to 4 hours.
I also helped my older brothers earn some money working part-time. We all 3 ended up enjoying the experience.
Always be thankful to God. Wish you good luck.
You, too! 4 hours is still a very long ride of you must do it every day. Hopefully you can read or study on the train ride.
My older brothers used to visit mom once a month.
After my advent, I suggested each brother visit mom every weekend. This way, each brother visited home every 3 weeks instead of every 4 weeks while mom had a loving son to help with weekly shopping trips to market every week.
It’s all about giving thanks. God never does any evil. If we thank God, even bad things turn good as in Joseph’s story, son of Israel.
I really needed to read this. I can truly relate and I feel the same “first born syndrome” Thank you for the reminder xx
Just noticed that my response to you hadn’t posted. Hope that you are having success at overcoming the “first born syndrome.” Accepting one’s limitations and imperfections is so much more satisfying than always striving and failing to be perfect.
I am first born as well. I can totally empathize with the perfectionism as well as the stress both external and internal. We always strive to achieve and please. Setting boundaries is extra hard. Stay strong!
Thank you!
I am the firstborn as well. And guess who took care of my mother after having forgiven her for the abuse she inflicted on me. You are so right to start putting limits in place and putting more emphasis on the care of your own self. Hugs for you my friend.
Thank you. Unfortunately, just got call from my mom at psych hospital. She was crying. I’m going to visit this evening, briefly. Don’t look forward to it.
Oh no, I’m sorry. Of course, I understand, you have to go if she’s not doing well. ((((Hugs)))))