I spend way too much emotional and physical energy toward the care of others, aside from myself. Why do I care so much, too much? No doubt due to my upbringing, to my relationship to my parents – trying to please, to earn their love and approval. Why, after decades of therapy, do I still feel and act as an enmeshed parentified daughter? I’ll just leave that question hanging there for now. Not up for explaining alcoholic family dynamics. Too tired. Adult Children of Alcoholics has a good concise description.
Who do I really care for? Good question. My husband and my son are the most important people in my life. I have devoted a great deal of time and energy trying to help my son. Too much, perhaps. No, not perhaps, without doubt. Now, I need to step back, to neglect a bit, to allow for more independence. Time to do just enough. To be just good enough. Just enough. Enough.
My sister, trying to help me set boundaries and stop taking on too much emotional responsibility, reminded me that I am not our parents’ caregiver. They are in memory care. The memory care facility provides their daily care. That’s what we pay them for.
I am not my parents’ caregiver. I am my son’s caregiver, and even he could use less of my care.
Now that my parents both have dementia and live in a memory care community, aside from being their daughter, my role is to be their power of attorney. With my sister, I make decisions on their behalf. I pay their bills. I coordinate their care, which is not the same as giving them direct care.
Before my mother’s stroke, I did not visit my parents regularly. I did, though, talk and play Words with Friends with my mom daily. I miss communicating with her. I miss my parents as they were before dementia. I’m grieving.
Living with bipolar disorder, I must take care of myself. This season, springtime, is a time when I often start mood cycling. I’ve feel particularly vulnerable and fatigued. The longer sunny days trigger hypomania and irritability.
On a more positive note, in January and February and again next week, I’ve been a NAMI Provider Educator for the staff at the hospital where I received both inpatient and partial day treatment twelve years ago. I enjoy educating their staff on what it is like to live with mental illness and to be in mental health recovery. Wish me well next week. We’re increasing the time that we devote to our personal trauma stories, so I must rewrite mine. I may edit my In Our Own Voice presentation for content, or I could take a look at what I have shared here.
I’m new to blogging. So I’m unaware of proper etiquette. My own website is caregiver60.com. Titled: Caregivers and God’s Plan. It is designed as a devotional for caregivers. I suppose this can be looked at as pushing my own site. That is not the intention. It might be helpful, as I hope it would be. You have all hit on the sticking point of caregiving. When and how do you take care of yourself without guilt and worry, at least the best we can. And it is Biblical to be caregivers. But when can you let go. I just started so it is nothing fancy. If it helps just one person I will have glorfied God with this process of obedience to Him! I hope this is okay.
Thank you and God bless.
Rebecca, you may want add your new website address to your Gravatar. If you do so, when people click on your image beside your comments, they will be directed to your blog. Handy way to network.
Wonderful, thank you!
Oh, Kitt. So relatable. I spent five years caring for a mother with dementia at the same time as a child with mental illness. It severely depleted me. I am still recovering. Your are right, we must be vigilant about our own wellbeing in order to be the best possible caregivers. You’re doing it with grace and what a gift to share with others.
Thank you. As you well know, it’s really tough and takes a toll.
If I’ve made this comment elsewhere, forgive me., We folks with chronic mental health problems must deal with the everyday stress of life on top of confusing and sometimes complex symptoms.
There are few life changes more painful than watching our parents sicken and die.
You’re doing your best. You always do your best. 🙂
Thank you, Robert.
you must try and look after your self. I know with bipolar we just keep on going but there comes a time when we crash. take care x
Yes. Very important to care for one’s self.
Hey Kitt,
I sometimes see it as a privilege to care for others. You can be under tremendous pressure that’s really grinding at you, but I will take caregiver over cared-for most days.
RR
Well, I’m also cared-for. As I have bipolar disorder, my husband is in many ways my caregiver. He helps me.
I have care-givers too. 🦋
Greatly appreciate mine.
I can DEFINITELY relate when you say that you put your physical energy toward the care of others. Sometimes, I do this so much that I forget to care about myself. As I’m growing into adulthood, its hard to balance everything out. When my grandmother was dying, I saw my mom be her direct caregiver and how tiresome that was for her. But, I will always have respect for her willingness to do this for her mom. It was a bittersweet thing to watch, that’s for sure.
Yes. Heartbreaking and bittersweet. You no doubt learned compassion and love from your mother’s example.
I hope so! It’s one of her many beautiful qualities.
This is a good post, Kitt. I can relate to E’s concern. There is no need to provide a Zen phrase with a paradox meaning. I remember the audacity you provided with your IOOV presentation on Labor Day. Plain and simple: Would suggest you add Caregiver to the IOOV “Success” topic portion. I am sure others would agree with this recognition the past year.
Wish you the best in balancing your activities through this DST period. Warmest Regards!!!
Thank you!
You had me at “Hello” with this piece Kitt…I always appreciate your transparency. There’s a liberation in that. Thank you always…e
Thank you, e! Love you. ❤️
❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘😘