Dad and Me Learning How to Brush My Teeth
Unlike grief theories that propose defined stages, grief is not linear, nor is it universal. We grieve differently.
Now I feel nothing. I’m numb. My psychologist describes it as “taking care of business,” reframing what I’m going through, my coping mechanism, in a positive way.
Quoting MedlinePlus, NIH, U.S. National Library of Medicine at https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001530.htm
Grief
People’s responses to grief will be different, depending on the circumstances of the death. For example, if the person who died had a chronic illness, the death may have been expected. The end of the person’s suffering might even have come as a relief. If the death was accidental or violent, coming to a stage of acceptance might take longer.
Symptoms
One way to describe grief is in five stages. These reactions might not occur in a specific order, and can occur together. Not everyone experiences all of these emotions:
- Denial, disbelief, numbness
- Anger, blaming others
- Bargaining (for instance, “If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.”)
- Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
- Acceptance, coming to terms
People who are grieving may have crying spells, trouble sleeping, and lack of productivity at work.
I lost my son this past Thanksgiving and everything about me has changed since then. I am constantly busy! My sister (the psycologist) says I am doing a self imposed diversion therapy. I suppose she is right.
My psychologist noted that I had been very busy and discussing multiple topics in therapy. She suggested I do less. Doing less allowed me to grieve more, to feel more.
I send my love to you and hold you in my prayers. I can only imagine how painful it must be to lose your son.
I recently wrote about something similar. Happy to have found your blog.
I just read a few posts on your blog. Thank you for sharing your grief journey. I’m crying after having read your post about rainbows. Thank you.
In reading your blog I see that we can definitely relate. Glad to be on this journey with you.
I’ve been thinking of you and I wish you well in your grief process. You already know this, but anything you feel or don’t feel at any given moment is okay. If you ever feel I can be of any service to you as a listener I hope you will let me know.
Thank you, Tertia.
I love this photo. I am sorry for your loss, sorry that words are so insufficient. Numb is okay. This feeling will change, and when it does, that is okay too.
The hospice grief counselor suggested I wait a couple of weeks before I attend a grief support group. Now, I need to protect myself. I must take care of business.
Kitt – you stated such powerful, valuable and precious factors – always stay strong and believe in new adventures..
Iin a way it IS denial, your body’s way of saying, I’m working on this in a way that will not hurt you. (((HUGS)))
Yes. Exactly. Sometimes we need to be in denial.
Kitt, just let yourself “be” and let your own process unfold. We will be here to hold your hand through it all. Sending you healing love ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you. Congratulations on your new job. I haven’t been reading blogs lately. Luckily, I’m able to keep up with your news on Twitter.
Thank you so much dear Kitt ❤️❤️❤️
Numbness is common and can last for a very long time. I lost both of my parents within eleven days of one another. With my father, much of the hard stuff of grieving had been done years before and we were at a place of equilibrium. It was not easy but I could process his loss in a more straightforward way.
With my mother to whom I was so close it has simply been a weight that finally, last Christmas, has started to become more acute. I am now beginning to write and articulate that grief, coming up on two years after her death.
Don’t force it to come or conform to any expectation. Best wishes.
Thank you for your insight. I remember when your parents passed. I was amazed that they remained so independent for so long. I send you my love.
Grief is powerful and painful; we all process differently. I wish you luck during your grieving process, and will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you, Cassandra.
You are absolutely right in that we all grieve differently. I’m glad you included this info. because I was still hanging on to the typical stages of grief in my head. You always find the best, most up-to-date information and share it with us
Love you, Kitt!!
Honestly, the quote describes stages. Recent research and the observations of those who work in hospice and with grief indicate that not everyone grieves in predictable or linear stages.
True, the stages are not linear. It’s not like passing to the next grade in school. I find myself grieving more like a pinball. But the familiarity of the grief feelings helps me cope with them as they resurface.
Yes. Helps to make sense of them. Found myself criticizing myself for feeling numb. As I let defenses down, I can feel the pain.
So true, we all grieve differently. Everyone must find their own way through it, though a support system can help.
Thank you, Joy. I may attend a grief support group tomorrow night. Went to a mental health community meeting at a church today and my table prayed for me. Allowed some of my pain to surface, and for me to accept love and healing.
So very true, we do grieve differently. And there is no time limit on grief, no emotion right or wrong to feel, they just are as they come. I’ve been thinking of you even when not on wordpress…you kept coming in mind. Just want you to know that I’ll be here for you to listen if you need me. I am not always consistent on WP but my email is tmezpoetry at gmail dot com. I know there is a lot going on right now and whatever you can do to self nurture and process whether openly or privately is a good thing. Either way I fully support you. Hugs~
Thank you so much for reaching out to me. Very generous of you. I appreciate it.
Yw~
Sending much love and light to you Kitt, to help your heart through <3 <3
Thank you, Mark.
Nobody can tell anybody how to do grief and mourning “right”.
Thank you, Bob.
You’re most welcome. Both of my parents are passed (10 years apart) and my process was/has been different for each, especially my Dad who had dementia, which stretches the process out over years of gradually slipping away. That’s not better or worse, just different. With those we love, it is the opposite of what Shakespeare put in the mouth of Mark Anthony. The good they did lives after them and the bad is interred with their bones.
Both my parents had/have dementia. My father’s decline happened over time. My mother’s suddenly due to a stroke. My father’s lung cancer was undiagnosed, and brought his death suddenly and unexpectedly. My father’s love lives on.