Need to write out the pain and exhaustion in my heart
Pain and grieving my parents’ dementias
Pain and exhaustion caring for my son
Must back off both
Must take care of myself
Must take care of myself
Ready to throw in the towel
To admit defeat
To wave a white flag
To say I give up
I give up
I cannot control the chaos that is my life
I cannot heal others
They must help themselves
They must accept or seek help from others
Not just me
I need a break
I am exhausted
I cannot take it anymore
I am not strong
I am broken
I am ready to break
The burden is too great
The weight on my back too heavy
Please take it off me
Please stop
Please give me a break
Please stand up on your own
Please stop asking me to fix you
Please accept that you, too, are broken
Please stop looking to me for help
I cannot do this anymore
I cannot
I cannot
I cannot
It’s too much for me
Too much
Too much
Too much
I’m breaking
Under the burden
Fuck this shit

P.S. When I free-wrote this I vented. Yes, I’m exhausted, but hanging in there. Just fed up. This is theatrical – I know – but, I wrote how I felt at the time.
P.P.S. My husband made me tea with honey and brought it to me. On his days off, he brings me coffee and Cheerios with banana. I love eating breakfast in bed. Not a morning person. Last night he bought me a box of Entenmann’s chocolate frosted donuts, which I’ve polished off (one of my favorite indulgences). My 16-year old son popped in and told me he loved me and gave me a hug. I’m appreciated.


40 responses to “Wave the White Flag”

  1. Thank you for being brave enough to write your feelings as some say it means a person is emotionally, I look at those who say it as being emotionless ?

  2. Powerful writing

  3. An intense message to release anxiety. Giving yourself a chance to heal by letting go of some stress is soothing. I feel the anguish as the words leap off the page and I connect with them. An urgent response to relieve the depression and burden that has pushed you to the breaking point. Fk this st is a call to stop immediately. Fantastic post!

  4. Very powerful writing… I know it can be exhausting being everything to everyone ? I also wanted to thank you for commenting on my post . Sending warmest thoughts

  5. I can really feel the exhaustion in your words. It is a beautiful depiction of something that can be so painful. Your ability to convey your experiences is touching. And the ending made me smile <3

  6. Glad to hear. Hope you are well, too. Peace.

  7. Thank you so much, Kitt!  So far looks like he is okay.  Still has to have a sonogram but the doctor did not worry about him having prostate cancer.  Just found out today.  Thank SO much for the prayers!!  Much love to you and hoping you feel better!!  Hugs, ellen
    Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

  8. I am so sorry, Ellen. I hold you and your husband in my heart and prayers. Wish him health, and both of you peace and love.

  9. Oh, Kitt, I have been there, when my husband and I took care of my mother. Now my husband is having a serious health scare. The bottom is falling out of me.

  10. Still have flu symptoms. This one lingers…

  11. Hope you’re feeling better soon Kitt.

  12. Thank you again! Surrender can be good. Must listen to body and soul, to what it is telling me.

  13. Kitt,
    So happy you have this place to come to, a safe place you can vent and feel supported. Even happier that Hubby and Son reached out in to show their love and appreciation and that you recognized the symbols of how much they value you!
    And, yes, surrender can be a good thing, the type of surrender you did, which was to admit you couldn’t go it alone and to reach out!
    Thank you for trusting your neighbors and for modeling such magnificent moxie! <3

  14. Glad you enjoyed it, Kitt. It really is a wonderful community 🙂 Take some time to a relax today.<3

  15. Thank you! I thank, too, Robert Goldstein for interviewing you on his blog.

  16. How sweet that your husband and son are showing you how much they love you. Venting is find. Take care of yourself, Kitt.

  17. Yes, they make all the difference.

  18. Thank you & God bless you.

  19. Wow Kitt I know it can be so tough, but it sounds like those “little things” that your Son and Hubby do make it worth it! Take care and be well!

  20. Paladin Avatar

    Geronimo! (The parachute opened). You are free writing again and it seems like your brain was in overdrive. It does not seem like self exorcism and cannot detect any procrastination. No indication associated with the upcoming General Election throes either. The RRR (Rest, Relax, & Recover) plan seems appropriate, Kitt.
    God Bless + Namaste..

  21. This too will pass… Sounds very short but it isn’t

  22. Yes. Vent and be heard Bec while we’re out there doing for others we are most likely not being heard. And that’s the most exhausting part. I know that feeling of enough and, God forbid, asking for help.. It’s too bad we wait so long. Glad you got some support at home

  23. Please know that I love you and think of you often. I was moved by your wonderful husband and son’s thoughtful, loving gestures. Thank you for sharing that; it made me happy to think of you soaking in your son’s hug, and enjoying your husband’s attention and love!

  24. Carry On. Thank you.

  25. Thank you, Marie. God bless you.

  26. I turn up the sound extra loud at the refrain of “Carry On” especially at the end. Of course this is a kid singing with kid problems, but the intensity of the refrain is intense.

  27. So good those gestures from our loved one – I relate with some it – rest all you can Kit you do try your best really and need to take care of you too above all I ‘selfishly think’ 🙂

  28. You are totally appreciated! Be sure to check your email.

  29. You surrendered and I couldn’t be happier for you. I’ve been concerned. I know it’s not all going to go away, but hope you can view it from a different perspective.

  30. That must have felt good ! We all need to vent…more often, more aggressively. Glad your family is treating you. ☺

  31. Sorry! Surrender can be a good thing.

  32. Got the first part of this in my email and clicked over in a hurry. Dang I thought you were suicidal for a minute!!! I’m glad you are okay and venting your frustrations instead of burying them. Hang in there Kit!! <3

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