I remember when I couldn’t hold the letters of a word together long enough to make sense of them. They flew off in all directions or got all jumbled up. I simply could not read no matter how hard I tried. Even if I forced myself to concentrate, to focus, to glue one letter to the next until I could put them together to form a word and then to make sense of that one word, it’s meaning was lost before I got on to the next. The letters would not hold together to form words, the words would not hold together to form sentences. Their meaning was completely lost on me. That is the brain FUCKED UP royally. No doubt about it.
It is a symptom that comes and goes depending on mood and whether or not I’m exhausted.
You still have an incredible gift for the written word.
Brilliant that you turned to your high school reading teacher. I had a psychiatrist who once said that I was no doubt more sensitive to this particular side effect because language is so important to me.
That’s a loss that is grievable in its own way. Sounds like you make very good use of words now. May they always be your allies.
It’s a fine line, Kitt. Because a brain trauma can take so much out of a person and change so much about them, it helps to have therapy as a component of returning to being as normal as possible. I couldn’t begin to cover all the ways TBIs have changed me. Thankfully I was already in therapy when the first one occurred.
Electroshock left me with a reading disability. I couldn’t hold the meaning or context from one paragraph to the next. The harder I tried, the higher my anxiety. As an avid reader (and once a bookstore manager), this was really the last straw. I went to the high school’s reading teacher for help. She said my symptoms sounded like her kids with brain injuries (duh!)
But, she helped me so much. I really had to relearn how to read. I do okay now, though my taste in books has really changed–which seems even weirder. Oh, that wacky brain!
I suppose that mental illness is also brain trauma.
Those of us with TBIs (Traumatic Brain Injuries) often have scrambled words, words we know but will no longer come when we want them, words we used to use in conversation and now do not recall how to pronounce and on and on. I hate this part of having TBIs. There’s not a good part but this is a part I can say really sucks. In the past I did a lot of public speaking. I no longer include myself as a possible candidate when we’re promoting legislation, etc.
I’d choose a leopard over lettuce any day!!!
I have not been diagnosed with it. Not sure if it is the correct use of the term. You seem up on the latest. But describes symptoms, if not cause. Inability to concentrate can be cause.
Although Kitt, Im not sure its actually “aphasia”. Is that a term your doc has given you? My understanding is that aphasia is caused by a physical brain injury such as a stroke or head trauma. Whereas in our case its more an emotional, chemical or electrical thing. What do you think?
I hesitate to ask what for…
I could use a leopard, too.
Definitely a better descriptor.
But short 😀
Although a leopard would make your day MUCH more interesting!
Glad you found the word, I just read your comment and didn’t have a clue.
I do that too, the only thing I don’t mind about it, is that it does get amusing occasionally. “I need to buy a leopard,” I said once, when I meant lettuce.
I prefer “brain fart” LOL Frustrating, embarrassing, hilarious, humiliating, humbling and a royal pain in the arse!
Yep, I often have brain farts aka aphasia, too. Frustrating.
Oh Kitt, mental illness has gifts that just keep giving doesn’t it!
I remember when I first started to stutter. My brain knew what it wanted to say but my mouth couldn’t form the words. Or when I first had brain-farts and couldn’t think of basic words in the English language. Then my mind decided it would add random words instead: I would be speaking a normal sentence like “I’m going to get in the car” but would actually say “I’m going to get in the football”. It all started 15 years ago and still happens quite regularly.
Some people are private and that is their right. If your friend is responsive to medication and is stable, she may not experience symptoms (or may only experience mild symptoms and side effects of the medication).
Not necessarily. This was something I experienced over twenty years ago when I was recovering from a psychotic manic episode brought on by an antidepressant. Not everyone experiences exactly the same symptoms in exactly the same way. I commend you in reading my blog and other blogs or books written by people with bipolar in trying to understand her. Just keep in mind that her experience may be different.
I do not know much about bipolar. Is this a typical part of the disorder? I ask because I want to understand what my friend is going through. She is at times reluctant to talk about it.
Actually, that wasn’t even close to my hell on earth. My hell on earth was suicidal depression when I was 18. Nothing matches that unendurable pain.
Yes, this is an excellent definition of “hell on Earth”. SO, so glad that neither of us is in such a horrendous state.